Round in circles

I’ve been here before. Felt like this before. This yearning, this thirst. To know you more. To taste your lips. To get inside your head.

I’ve been here before. Felt like this before. To yearn for someone I barely know. To dream of someone I haven’t yet seen. To feel blood rushing deep under my skin.

I’ve been here before. Felt like this before. To be terrified of what I feel. To foresee the ending even as things are just about to set in. To die as life begins.

Because love battles

We have no inkling of what John Marc and Seneca have gone through. We, mere bystanders, curious spectators of these two people who seemed to have found all the luck in the world as they vowed “I do”.

We have no idea how hard it was to wait for years until John Marc could finally confess his feelings to Seneca. They were both college students then, when in one of the dormitory events, Seneca sang and her voice was the most beautiful voice John Marc has ever heard. They were friends, but since that magical moment, John Marc knew he wanted them to be more than friends. For John Marc has finally found the woman he can’t live his life without.

But the road was thorny, and the journey a heart-breaking one. The gentleman John Marc is, he waited for her to graduate college. Why? Well because that’s the right thing to do, he would say. From the moment he realized she’s all he ever wanted in life, all he’s been doing was wait and wait and wait. How much longer must he wait?

And then finally, after all the years of waiting, he has finally told her. He laid down his intentions and expressed how he so wanted to be her man. It was the moment he has long been waiting for. It was the moment she gave him a resounding “No”.

We have no idea how to wait for years to express one’s love, and then having that pure, unadulterated love get rejected so coldly. We have no idea how it is to cry out in tears for nights, deploring God to change the heart of a woman who doesn’t love you the way you want her to. We have no idea how it is to continue living day by day seeing no hues of color — days and weeks and months of black and white. We have no idea.

We have no idea that love is a battle, but John Marc does. He knew. He always knew.

For love is something you die for, for living without it is tantamount to death. And so you pursue love with all abandon. This is what John Marc knew.

So he persevered. Prayed harder. Wooed her again. Proved his undying love.

We have no idea how it is to hope against all hope. To be sustained by nothing but love. We have no idea that love is all a person could need. Until John Marc proved it.

We look at John Marc and Seneca on the day of their wedding, two incandescent lovers, and yet we see only one. One heart. One passion. One soul.

Gone were the days when we believed with all conviction in true love. Or in fighting for it. For the realities of life has led us to believe that love is as real as the existence of Santa Claus giving gifts to good children on a snowy Christmas Day.

But we look at John Marc and Seneca vowing “I do”, and we see love. Beating. Breathing. Blooming. Love who battled, got wounded, fought against all odds, battled over and over again… and won.

To my siblings

It’s not because I love you unconditionally. Indeed, far from it. And it’s not because I’m selfless. No, that would be a lie.

I did what I did, and I’m doing what I’m doing — awkwardly filling in the role of a father and breadwinner of our family for the past eight years or so since our parents separated — because I have to, because that’s what being the eldest sibling means, because I had no other choice.

But that too would be a lie.

Of course, I had a choice. I could have chosen to rebel and wasted my life away. I could have slacked off, made our parents’ separation and financial woes an excuse to retreat to a life of self-pity and misery.

But I didn’t.

I studied hard to maintain my academic scholarships, worked part-time to augment my income so I can support our family, and eventually graduated and got a relatively well-paying job. And all that because my anger to our situation and especially to our father fueled my intense desire to prove him wrong about leaving us. What better way to get back at him than to make him see us succeed in life without him.

Whenever I’d feel exhausted and hopeless, I’d hold on to my anger more fiercely as if it is the very source of my sustenance. My anger became the guiding light to my darkest days, the manna from heaven when I wandered in the wilderness.

What I did not notice was that as time passed by, as the three of you continued to perform excellently in your studies and mature into the kind of wonderful persons you are now, the lesser the flames of anger burned. The more we spend time together and the more we open up to each other’s lives, the lesser I felt the need to prove our father wrong.

Only now do I realize that I no longer look forward to getting even with our father. Only now do I see that the responsibility of supporting your studies and leading our family no longer became something I must continue to resent.

If I have loved you this much, if I have proven again and again how much of myself I’m willing to give for the three of you, it is only because you have reciprocated that love a thousand times more. If I have given up an awful lot for the three of you, it is only because you’ve consistently proven yourselves worthy of the things I’ve given up.

You make my life more fun and meaningful, and for that I am grateful.

For as long as I could remember

Maybe because I don’t know what it feels like to be affluent. Maybe because I wasn’t endowed with good looks that would make girls swoon. Maybe because I’m not particularly talented nor have something I’m really good at. Maybe because I’m a nobody, a simple guy with simple tastes and simple joys.

But for as long as I could remember, I’ve always believed that it’s not wealth nor looks nor fame that makes life meaningful. It’s love. And I’ve always wanted to love someone with every fiber of my being, to love someone even more than I could ever love myself.

How I intend to live my life

I don’t get many things right the first time. I screw up quite a lot. Sometimes I’m reckless, brash, insensitive, and emotionally distant. Sometimes the littlest of things make me tear up, like when I see a father lulling his baby to sleep, or when I see a hapless child begging on the hostile street. I’m a mixture of all these negative things and all the positive synergies; good and bad rolled into one. I’m a walking paradox, an exhibit of contradictions. And to be honest, I’m fine with that.

I have a lot of questions, and I know I won’t get all the answers. Maybe asking the right question is enough. I don’t know what the future holds — no one does. I don’t know what my legacy will be, or where I’ll go after I die (or if there will ever be a place to go). I’m still trying to figure it out: this world, my place in it, relating with people, love, apathy, death, life. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when I’ll figure everything out. I’m fine with that too.

I feel helpless sometimes, like the way one feels when there’s a sudden blackout and you’re in a new and unfamiliar place and you don’t know which step to go because you’re afraid you might accidentally bump into something and you might hurt yourself or someone else. Many times, this fear paralyzes me and makes me do nothing at all.

I don’t know a great deal of things. But if there’s one thing I know, it is this: that living in fear of failure or rejection or death isn’t the way to go. I might as well die than hide in my inner shell, afraid of the world. I might as well die than be afraid of life.

Life is meant to be embraced, every fucking aspect of it — the good, the bad, the in-between, the blah — and I intend to live mine screaming in exhilaration, both arms thrown up in the air, utterly relishing this roller coaster ride.